“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
~ Buddha
For a couple of months already, I’ve been trying to sit and think about meritocracy, what we deserve and why we believe we deserve it.
I simply can’t reach any conclusion or fair analysis. Cause at the end of the day, no one is actually fully responsible for their achievements or failures. We are all just a product of our environment, our genes, and our luck.
But dealing with all these thoughts, I realized that this all relates a lot to the Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO).
To be specific, the fear of missing out on the life we think we deserve.
Or even more specific, this feeling that I have, that sometimes I don’t deserve the things I have, but at the same time I believe I’ve earned some other things which I don’t have, but for other people is just a given.
That’s what I wanna talk about today.
What is FOMO?
The fear of missing out (FOMO) is a psychological phenomenon characterized by anxiety or apprehension that one might miss out on a rewarding experience, opportunity, event, or interaction, often heightened by social media and constant connectivity.
Have you ever missed a party, to which all your friends went?
Your friends will talk about it and you won’t relate to any story, they’ll post pictures and share memories.
Suddenly, you feel like you missed the best party of your life, how is it possible that exactly that one night you couldn’t go was such a great night?
Well… It turns out, it wasn’t.
It’s just normal to talk about the good things that happened, and nowadays we always try to share the highlights of our lives, right?
But the thing is, we don’t see the whole picture, we don’t realize that it was just one more party.
This leads to the first thing we need to talk about:
Social Networks
A few days ago I saw some reel of a guy just living a day to day life, with pretty daily stuff(working, eating, gym, relaxing), and the comments section was full of “This seems so depressing”.
But I thought to myself, this reel is so wholesome! This is a real life, this is something I really relate to. We just don’t post about it because of how normal it is.
I loved that reel, because of how real it is!
With social networks being a strong part of our lives, we can’t avoid realizing that Instagram is the place to show our lives are amazing, Facebook to show how funny we are sharing posts, Twitter to show how clever and opinionated we are, and LinkedIn to show how great professionals we are.
And it is perfectly Ok, but lets just realize, that’s just our highlight reel. Not who we are for real.
No one will ever post a picture of the vacation that turned out to be a bummer, or the time they realized how incompetent they were at work, or even the time they realized an opinion was just plain wrong.
We are all just trying to show the best of us, trying to show ourselves and the world what a great life we have, and that’s perfectly fine.
But that’s the deal, we cannot compare ourselves to other’s people social media, cause this will immediately lead to FOMO.
Take me for example, I post about the good results I get at my homework or some great trips I’ve gone to, but I don’t post about the time I failed miserably at a test or the time I planned a trip and everyone was pissed at me because of how shitty it was.
And this makes sense! Of course I won’t post a photo of the time I lost in a competition I was sure I would win, I will instead post a photo of the next competition in which I won overwhelmingly.
But this is just what I will show you, not who I am. One might think “Oh Diego won again, it seems like he always wins”, but you don’t see how much I failed and felt pathetic and stupid to reach that point.
So why would you think “Oh, I wish I had that life” when you don’t even know the whole story?
Trying to live a life that’s not anymore
A problem I’ve had in the past, and was really difficult to cope with, was the fact that I was to caught up in the past, and not accepting my present.
I know for a fact how this can cause FOMO, cause when you remember the past (at least that’s how it works for me), you remember the good things, the highlights, the parties, the trips, the friends, the love, the success.
All those good moments come to mind, all the times life was better. We tend to idealize our past because it is normal to forget all the bad things that happened, but we remember all the good things.
Of course this is a good thing, it is just necessary to believe that our past life is a good thing that was worth living. But it is just as important to realize that our present is also amazing, and it is absolutely worth living.
Trying to live a life that’s not yet
Another problem I’ve had for these couple of months, was trying to focus too much on the future.
I believed that my future was carved in stone, and it was just a matter of waiting for it to arrive.
But goddammit, that was harmful.
I know how great it is to believe that we are heading somewhere good, and work day to day for that great future to finally reach us.
But just think about this, what if you die tomorrow? (and yes, this is how I realized I was just being a fool).
After a lot of thought, I finally realized that I was waiting for something that could vanish in a second, I could change my mind or other people could change their mind and also affect me, anything could happen that ‘messes up’ this future.
So why live in a pause without enjoying my present life? Why would I not reward myself for my present, only because I am waiting for a ‘better’ future?
Does this makes sense? I hope it does.
It is great to imagine what will happen, what we deserve and what we are fighting for… But we can’t hold on to that, waiting for it to happen.
Life is happening right now, and sadly, we don’t know what’s coming tomorrow.
So…
So, this far we’ve talked about FOMO and how we are letting it mess with our heads.
Somehow it is inevitable comparing to others and their ‘highlights’, but it is necessary to understand these are highlights, these things aren’t the exact reflection of their lives.
Our past is just a memory, it is not anymore, we can’t pretend like our life is defined by what we did yesterday, it is about what you are doing right now.
Out future is unpredictable, we can dream and plan all we want, but we don’t have the control of it more than a few days in the future (and sometimes not even that).
But I want to talk about something else, something I’ve been reading about and found just perfect for this exact moment in my life.
Sein-zum-Tode (Being-towards-death)
“Being-towards-death” is a concept introduced by the existentialist philosopher Martin Heidegger. It refers to the fundamental awareness of one’s own mortality and the recognition that one’s existence is finite. Heidegger argued that this awareness of death is a central aspect of human existence and influences how individuals live their lives.
You will die.
What can you do?
Heidegger argues that the awareness of our own mortality is what gives meaning to our lives, it is our attitude towards one’s mortality that defines our existence.
When we are lying on our deathbed, would we make any major change to the way we are living right now?
If the answer is yes, then we are in high risk of living in constant FOMO, we are constantly evaluating whether we are living the life we deserve or not. But at the same time, not doing anything about it.
This is not about fearing death, this is about learning to value our mortality. And doing the best we can with the life we were given.
Why would you wait till the moment you die, to think ‘I should have done it’?
Small conclusion
FOMO is way much bigger than just missing a party, or thinking others are having it better than us.
FOMO is dangerous, and the only way to deal with it is to value who we are and what we have right now.
Go and make your present worth, not your future, not your past.
Go and congratulate that friend that just posted 5 amazing things on social media, but remember not to compare yourself to them, cause you are not them, and you don’t know how hard they are having it, just like you are.
We have one life, it’s just dumb to waste it thinking of others highlights or our own expectations.
Don’t hold on to something that it is not yet, or that is already gone.
And remember, value yourselves and value others.
Tell them today what you need to tell them, don’t wait one more day.
Cause in the moment we least expect, life just…